heinel: (Default)
I remembered the first entry I wrote on this journal was about my move from blogspot.  Thinking back it felt like that wasn't all that long ago.  Now I'm moving my site again - hopefully for the last time.  I got myself a domain, and it feels like in doing so I've taken a step up?  I guess I should update it more often :)

Do please check out the new http://www.OrnateRitual.com

heinel: (Default)
The British wartime poster is what greeted me when I first set foot inside the Vancouver Olympic Village. Of course, it is no longer about air-raids anymore. The occasion is that as assistants to foreign officials we will have to put up with people who do things differently. So the golden advice is supposed to keep us from raging and embarrassing ourselves (and possibly by extension, Canada) in front of Very Important People. Well, it is more than that. It is also supposed to ineffectively ward off the anxiety – Oh My God I already forgot the layout of the... What's it called again? – and the excitement – I wonder what those athletes look like, I guess I can't pet them, but at least standing close is okay? Right? Right?

Read more... )
heinel: (Default)
The Craftsman easily detects smallest deviations from esthetic standards in the surrounding world; such disharmony makes him feel distressed, awakes in him a feeling of discomfort, the desire to improve the situation, to perfect what he achieved or actually possesses – not only in the material world, but in his intellectual and spiritual development as well. This is why The Craftsman is exigent to himself and often also to the others. He likes nothing drab, trite and banal, strives for improvement of his own, his friends and family, beginning from the appearance and health, and up to the mental development. He is very curious, has wide range of interests, often he is not self-confident because of increased self-criticism. He needs praise of his capabilities, encouragement of his efforts.

Read more... )
heinel: (Default)
The Inspector is good at scheduling arrangements and actions for the nearest future, thinking over the details in advance. Such a concrete program of actions is exactly what The Mentor needs, who is 'sinking in doubts'. The Inspector's strict logic of facts leaves no space for exaggerations and conjectures. His cold realism calms down his restless dual, who likes The Inspector's love for stability and order in everything. The Mentor finds him a helper, support and 'good haven' in his stormy emotional life. He easily allows his partner to guide him in practical issues, although he may be obstinate in ideas. In addition, he distracts The Inspector from being too scrupulous in the details, focusing him on general rules and the final objective.

Read more... )


Dec. 31st, 2009 04:45 am
heinel: (Default)
As a member of the NOC assistants we are supposed to get familiar with the VANOC vehicles and the Olympic venues. We were given a chance to do just that. The Vancouver based session was not exactly something I would call very exciting, mostly because the routes are going to be very different come games time. However, I still think it was a good experience. The people I was assigned to were not part of my team, but that was really my own fault. Apparently the people I worked with also signed up late, so we are a team of "extras," so to speak. They are pretty nice though. There is this guy who felt like an ENFj. It is just too bad that he already has a fiance. Anyway, he still makes for a good distraction for the day.

I admire people who are both willing and able to create an inclusive atmosphere, because I almost always feel like an outcast, or misfit, whenever people start grouping up. When people reach out to me I feel less stressed about the situation. That does not mean I like all forms of intrusion, though. I am not good at gauging distance between myself and other people, so I need others to set the boundaries for me. People who can preemptively orient me towards a positive direction are the people who can truly disarm me. When these people approach me, I do not feel threatened by them, and that saves me a lot of energy which I can then spend on tasks or enjoyment. So I guess I really should thank this guy, who I probably will never meet again. Wherever he is, I wish him good luck. Though considering his charm, he probably does not need it.
heinel: (Default)
"Projections change the world into the replica of one's own unknown face."
heinel: (Default)

I used to play piano too when I was little, but for some reason I was never really interested. So now I am just as good as not having played the piano at all. However, I really like listening to the piano. I had always liked listening to the piano.


Dec. 17th, 2009 12:46 pm
heinel: (Default)
My lantern was destined to be small. When I looked at the materials, there were really so many possibilities. However, if I were to do this over, I think I will still make the same thing. How could there be another choice?

I didn't start the journey from the beginning. I just randomly walked around. The paths on the ground looked like vines stretching, with buds at the tips. It felt like I could just wander around for however long I wanted. But of course, I couldn't. There is a time limit, just like everything has a time limit. So I started reading again. In no particular order. My book of life? Blank. My light? That is in my hands, as it has always been. Shadow? I have some idea, but not quite sure. Back to the beginning. There is the first fork - one side leads to the first, most eye catching dead-end, the other leads to the stranger.

So let's focus on the stranger. There seemed to be some mythical association with this entity. Thanks to the mentor, I guess. However, I don't think that is how it works for me. Strangers are real. Real people you could call up whenever you want, but only if you have correctly identified them. The reason why I didn't get past the first fork, was because I misidentified the stranger. I had originally thought that the stranger would be my Dual. In hindsight, that conclusion was really absurd. The definition of the word "stranger" is completely contradictory to the one of the Dual. In actual fact, this stranger is my Conflict. This is why strangers are called strangers. They are meant to be strangers. That is why they never stay. That is why I did not pay them attention, when I should have. With this reasoning, everything else fall into place.

Even the most analytical minds are not without flaws, and the most passionate souls are not without reason. Sitting at opposite ends of the pole are things so foreign as to be almost unthinkable. We may never get along, but that does not mean the exchange is fruitless. The stranger sees the world in just the way that I am not, and whatever problem I cannot solve, the stranger can. Yet, quite unlike with the Dual, the problem is not drained into the void and dismissed. Conflicts call you on your ineptitude. This is beneficial. True growth is when people sees their own flaws, and fix it themselves.

I need to thank someone, even though it might be a surprise to her. We would like nothing to do with each other, but observing from afar is so far a okay. At least we can agree on that. I should not forget the phrase: "In any case, it's not a real problem for me so long as I keep my eyes on the prize."

Afterthoughts... )
heinel: (Default)
“I am certain of nothing but the holiness of the heart’s affections and the truth of the imagination.”


Dec. 1st, 2009 07:51 pm
heinel: (Default)
In our home there are a lot of over-sized Victorian
furniture that are really impractical. Like a round wooden table
we rarely use because a vase of arranged flower
takes up most of its surface, or the piano

that nobody ever touches anymore. Our balcony
is a garden with flowers of every color, hidden
fifteen floors above the ground. Visitors probably do not notice
the tea set of translucent burgundy, on our intricate coffee table,

beside the polished leather sofa, between the golden lamps.
They may not notice the chandelier, or the white candles
on the wall, not before they sniff through the lavender and jasmine
which, never happens because of the paintings.

Paintings on every wall capture their attention the moment
they step in: classics of roosters, rivers, streets and salons, with golden
frames so heavy that it is impossible for one person to lift
them in place. Visitors may not notice, that our lights are dimmed.

But I notice,
I notice the twin bone towers
the round wooden table.

Afterthoughts... )
heinel: (Default)
It is again Wednesday night,
our meeting 4pm.
The time is just right for another
hot mug with a diadem.

As usual I sit beside you.
I like your attention.
The fragrance of this coffee is dark.
I'm lost in confusion.

I find I'm drawn to your aroma –
powerful sensation.
The color of this coffee is deep.
I fall in elation.

I sense your brown eyes on me but
never meeting my own.
My coffee swirls around and around,
I fear I'm in delusion.

And why are your words to me sparse,
diplomat well-known?
The taste of this coffee is stark.
I drink in bitter passion.

So come the dreaded 6:40,
our timed depart again.
I leave the class, my thoughts empty,
empty mug in hand.

Afterthoughts... )
heinel: (Default)

KTV version: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UyfJqnDF-Do

I guess this is what theater is supposed to be like. An emotionally charged argument driven by hurtful words and dark humor. It does make me wonder though if emotional exchanges of this level must be between a couple. I realize that heated exchanges usually occur when the people involved have a big stake in each other. Though I would like to find out if the nature of the relationship can be different, since I would like to avoid romantic plots myself if possible.

EDIT: Turns out it is possible to have one without angsty romance: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=frYHbTN3-3s
heinel: (Default)
I look out of the window and it is mostly dark.
Lights of orange and white dot the city at night.
Cruising through the sea, I leave not a mark.
The closer are the jewels, the brighter are their light.

Lights of orange and white dot the city at night,
ever so slow the clusters of street lights shift.
The closer are the jewels, the brighter are their light;
touching the glass window, I can feel the rift.

Ever so slow the clusters of street lights shift.
Between the stars little headlights traverse,
touching the glass window. I can feel the rift
ten thousand feet below. There is the universe

between the stars. Little headlights traverse
in the milky way. I too am just moving along.
Ten thousand feet below there is the universe,
like firework, yet that does not last this long.

In the milky way, I too am just moving along,
entranced by the brilliance of prisms
like firework. Yet that does not last this long.
With nothing but a duffel bag, I dive for the chasms

entranced, by the brilliance of prisms
cruising through the sea. I leave not a mark
with nothing but a duffel bag. I dive for the chasms.
I look out of the window and it is mostly dark.

Afterthoughts... )


Oct. 28th, 2009 04:02 pm
heinel: (Default)
If I can select many colors
and infuse my thoughts into paint
I would have drawn a script

If I can arrange many sounds
and imbue my feelings into voice
I would have sung a tale

If I can direct many movements
and instill my instincts into act
I would have carved a musical

But I cannot do those
so I wrote this letter instead
Otherwise there would be nothing

Late September I got a new key
which has been with me for nine odd years
It is a little rusty and not at all clean

A note beside the elevator told me
to throw the key away
I think I died a little inside reading that

This Autumn I met someone new
who I have not noticed before
The same dark eyes I can now see up close

A voice from the elevator prompted me
to use my new key
It is time for me to use the new key

What will be waiting for me
if the gate opens
I am excited and a little confused

If in there I find my paint
even if it is gray
If in there I find my voice
even if it is shrill
If in there I find my act
even if it is coarse

At least I will be able to play

Afterthoughts... )
heinel: (Default)
Because there were so many tourists then in Pura Tanah Lot,
Appreciating the Temple in the Sea was nigh impossible.

I thought so as I set foot in the parking lot.
Treading across the soft mud, my concerns were confirmed.

So close to nature, the tour could have been my creative lot.
Yet, I could not see anything here worthy of my signature:

Catching the salty sea wind was probably harder than winning the lot.
There was plenty of spicy food though, I smelled that on the way.

Everyone was excited about it all – they were a cheerful lot.
I cannot see how I could share their enthusiasm, though.

Noisy chat and banter, there definitely were a lot.
The sound of the waves cannot be heard at all.

I thought I should pay the sea God my humble lot.
But when I saw that line up for the ritual? Never mind.

So it makes you wonder why did I stay there.
With patience I found a new page in my album:

By dusk, the foreground has become nothing but a shadow;
The outline of trees and spires against the orange sun.

Afterthoughts... )


Oct. 16th, 2009 03:12 pm
heinel: (Default)
I am a feather light dessert – puff – puff – puff.
Baked to perfection, the scent of cheese sauce
whipped up softly with egg whites folded in.
Watch how my chest expands, filled with mushy
delights and baby, Oh! I am dripping cream.
Pay all your attention to me. Yes, you.
No, not you, you are just the same as me.
I am the sweetest treat sitting here just
waiting for you to pick. Come on, have a spoon.
Taste this super awesome slice of my soul.
You like it. Tell me you like it, a lot.
... I'm picking up a bit of a snarky vibe from you.
I am but another cup on the table;
hurt, broken, slit open, just an ocean of tears.
Will you look at me, please with sugar on top.
Why oh WHY do you have to be such a tease?
Oh No. Oh no. My chest is deflating!
I am running out of... Where is my Romeo?
Come and get me. Come and get me. Come and get me.
Now, now, now while I am still hot, hot, hot.

Afterthoughts... )